tendencies

I need a plan for my life.

Alright, maybe to say the next 4 months would be more exact, but technically I need one for my entire life too.

I have just come to the wonderful realisation that after 5 weeks of rotting around at home, I have about another 17 weeks to do the same, and given the vegetative rotund entity I'm slowly becoming, I NEED A LIFE!

I always wanted to be where I am now, without a care in the world; not having to worry about homework, parents nagging, CCA, the next exam etcetc., and now that I actually reached my dream place, it's kinda not as ideal as I had hoped.

Ironic isn't it?

Somehow the things that kept me going, pressured and stressed were the things I enjoyed the most and were the things that made life day by day seem fulfilling. Kinda regretful that you only see this in retrospect, but hopefully this enables me to cherish the moments better in the future.

So here I am.

Stuck without a plan for the next four months before I so voluntarily and willingly and lovingly and passionately serve my nation. How patriotic indeed.

So far plans are:

1) Crash Orientation.
2) Find some frisbee club to join.
3) Go on holiday in mid Jan to early Feb.
4) Help J2 KI students with their research papers.
5) err... driving?
6) umm...

ZOMG I GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO FOR DAYS ON END~~!!

I wanted to relief teach or get a job or something, but the holiday with my family to the USA is in the middle of all working/school terms and it'll be quite weird to ask for leave right? I mean..

"Hi I'd like to apply for a post at your school/company. Oh but, I'm terribly sorry that I won't be able to make it for the first week cos I'd be at just the most fun place ever having starch all over my hair and mud all over my face.

I also would be away for two weeks skiing near Seattle with my family so I need to have some space around the late Jan to early Feb window, if that's all right with you.

Did I mention the starch?"

Genius.

I'm sure all companies would rush to hire me.

So yes, if you do know any company who would be willing to put up with my antics, could you please let me know?


PLEASE~!!!


Moving on, I've noticed that people have certain tendencies.

I would quite comfortably say that I'm gifted to observe the lesser things if I may, the things that people don't usually ponder about.

Maybe I'm wrong, people may ponder over these things all the time, just that I penn my thoughts down now.

I do have plenty many to share, but I don't know if I can remember all right now.

That said, I have no intention of overloading you with otherwise trivial occurences of daily life, so here goes.


Have you ever noticed how people react when you walk behind them? Or when they walk behind you?

I mean, given this generation were people are becoming generally less aware of such as all sorts of earphones are jammed into heads to blot out all other sounds, but think with me for a moment.

If it was late at night, or just dark for that matter, if you heard someone behind you walking or catching up to you, you will do one or all of these 3 things sub-conciously.

1) You will slow down until he/she overtakes you.
2) You will speed up and hope to turn some corner where the person doesn't follow you.
3) You will turn behind to see who is coming up.

If you are the person walking up from behind, you will either

1) Speed up to overtake faster.
2) Slow down and maintain a comfortable distance away even if it makes you walk awkwardly for a brief moment, and in the midst of this you hope that the person if front will hear you and want to walk away faster.


Interesting right?


Next time it happens, just observe.

My answer, this being non qualified just yet, is that people are naturally wary of strangers. The minute something like that occurs we tend to have all our defences up thinking of the worst case scenarios. Much more so if the person is a man or of a certain race.

You will not continue walking on at the same speed unless of course you don't notice the person coming or you consciously make an effort to move at the same speed as normal.

Though it would lengthen the moment that you two are side by side, and thus the longer awkward periods, it's quite fun to see if the person speeds up even more to overtake you. Not a given that he/she will though.



Next, have you noticed how guys heads will always turn to ogle a hot girl that walks by, or appears somewhere?

You probably have, but have you noticed how all the other girls in the room will suddenly be watching the guys turn to stare after they themselves have seen that girl?

It's quite funny, the mixed reactions on the other girls faces.

I for one enjoy it too myself. Looking at the faces of the guys staring the hot girl down I mean.

And I tend to do it all the time! (not that I'm gay or anything.)

It's fun to pick out the most hum-sup or perverted looking guy and watch him as he drools (okay not really but u get what I mean) all over the sight of aesthetic pleasure.

For a moment there it feels like I'm justified cos I shake my head at his perverted-ness, if there is such a word. But it's really interesting to do so.

Next time you see a hot girl, look at the guys faces as they stare down the girl, and take time to shake your head in disgust. It really does make you feel better when you judge haha~!

Okay technically thats a sin.

I beg your pardon.

But you girls do it all the time too!

That's all for now, I can't really remember the rest so till next time~!

heart to heart

so this is christmas
and what have you done?

another year over
a new one's just begun

I guess it's that time of the year once again.

That time when everything is at its best; emotions are high and wild, the last thing on your mind is studies, the season is so jolly and fun, and everyone is in a good mood (assuming you've finished giving your presents away).

Its kinda funny how you feel when you get older.

Infatuations seem alot easier to control now. Or maybe not.

Somehow I can keep certain things in check, though I do have the odd impulse every now and then, and it feels as if I've got a lil more control at hand.

Conversely, it also feels as if I'm losing it. The touch - if you get what I mean.

No?

Will 'game' explain things better?

Not to say that's what I treat it as, but generally I have to settle for that right now.

I'm really tired so if I do blurt out certain things that raise your eyebrow just accept it as so.

One of my friends was saying how this is his first christmas without any girl to be with whatsoever since Sec 1. Considering he's my age, that's his first time in 6 years.

For me, it didn't seem so hard to comprehend his misery because I've never been with a girl, so I don't really know what it's like, so I don't think it's a big deal.

But as I ponder further, somewhere in the reluctant crevices of my mind I know it's me fighting against myself. It's not cause I didn't want a girl that's why I happily spent christmas myself. (At least I hope I was happy).

I did want someone to be with. I did want someone to share with and be in 'love', so to speak, with. And this happened every year except last year.

My problem was, is rather, that I don't know how to do things right. I learn from mistakes and I have made so many many painful ones in the past:

Rushing into things I didn't know better about; assuming certain things when in actual fact the opposite was true; obsessing myself with what always seemed out of reach etcetc.

Simply speaking, the girl I liked always liked someone else or had no feelings for me.

I slowly began to work my way through things and realised it required alot of communication before anything could happen, this is the general rule of friendship, not even relationships, just friendships.

But I had always done it wrong in the past. And in JC I still made that same stupid mistake.

The only time I got really closed to being attached was early december last year, and that one I didn't purposely plan for but it just happened to happen, but in a different way from what I had imagined. (Right methodology wise, not partner wise)

Yet another close friend of mine managed to bring me to my senses, how I still had too many commitments in school CCAs, and of course, the A Levels among other things.

And as time passes relationships and feelings faded because I realised my other very great weakness, I didn't know how to pull away properly.

That really hurt that someone. I know it did. And I just couldn't bring myself to settle nor make things right again. What another great mistake.

Well I guess time heals, but the guilt still remains very much with me, and an apology of sorts, though weird, is necessary somehow I guess.

But backtracking from this anomaly, it always worked out the same somehow.

I've always gotten rejected.

Now this, in accordance with all my thinking, which I just happen to do alot though unfortunately non-academically, spiralled things to the point where it crippled (sort of) my mentality.

Because I always did things wrong in the past, though now it's been more than a year since I've tried anything, it hinders me greatly all the time.

I tell my close friends, when they do ask me why I never do anything, which happens to happen quite frequently... , that I'm shy.

Without fail, they always burst out laughing.

I bet you did too.

I guess because I appear as such to you it should be the same for every aspect of my life. I seem to have it all, or most of it (as I like to think and have been told, assuming I wasn't taken sarcastically) that is admirable and desirable?

Wrong. Total opposite when it gets to this.

But shy just might not be the right word. I'm scared.

Well yeah everybody is scared to some extent.

Fine, I'm really scared. I'm scared of history repeating itself once more, once more after it had repeated itself so many times.

I've learnt well from my arrogance and pride which made me get humbled tremendously, and now the lack thereof of it is making me not do anything.

Maybe that's good, maybe that isn't.

Anyway I'm scared, and that prevents me from doing anything. I just can't talk to the girl I like properly without having to pysche myself up like mad. Even normal conversations are hard and eye contact is a huge giveaway for me.

What if she doesn't want me? What if she has other pursuits? What if our paths are to disparate? What if I hinder her from experiencing so much more? What if, what if, what if...

I guess the list of my negations in my mind never ends does it?

Sigh.

The only reason I've shared all this is cause I'm kinda really tired, so you don't have to worry about such posts again if it really bores you.

I want to go and sleep so I'll say it now.

I like you.

The chances of you reading this are pretty darn slim, nor you even realising you're the one cos of time factors and cos I haven't even made and clear intentions at all.

It doesn't really matter or not if you see this, but for me, I just want to be over all this.

Maybe I'll get what happened in the past again, maybe it'll be worse, maybe it'll be better.

But I do hope I do things right this time, assuming I can bring myself to do something more.

My words and actions always seem to come out wrong, to close friends especially, so just rhetorically speaking, I'm sorry.

Have fun where you're going.

Oh and, merry christmas =)

Highway of Holiness

YM CAMP 2007: Destination

What can I say?

Definitely this. The destination is not arrived yet. The journey is only at the beginning and the road is straight and narrow.

What can I do?

Persevere. Bring more along this highway and keep those who are on it supported. Grab those swaying to the side, push those who are behind and catch those who stumble.

But offer this heart oh Lord, completely to you.

One way, one thing I seek, no U-turn.

Camp was... indescribable. I can't believe it turned out like that. So deep and so strong yet so little...

All I can say is I'm not satisfied. I'm not. And that's great, cause then I'll be relentlessly pursuing the goal from now on. Come with me on this Highway of Holiness. Come. Walk with me, I'll walk with you.

walk with me, I'll walk with you

Long Road Out of Eden

Alright, I guess since I finally have so incredibly much free time, I'll begin blogging once more.

I haven't blogged in exactly 72 days. Sounds kinda short but if I were to say since September 2nd, then it suddenly seems a whole lot longer dunnit?

Well the title is the song of the Eagles latest album, Long Road Out of Eden. I haven't heard it, but it sounds cool so... err... yesh.

My body clock is kinda inverted now. I wake up at 4pm and sleep at 5am. Cool huh? I've been seriously wanting to exercise but it rains all the time. I want to play so much frisbee but people always forget to tell me when's training. I want to learn guitar lessons in jazz or blues but I'm too lazy to go find some. I want to learn driving but oh well, I guess I'm just a fat slacker now.

Wow. Not cool actually.

But its kinda fun not having a curfew or wake up call =D

I've decided I'm not going to post anymore emo posts cos it just makes everyone sadder so, let's make this moment a happy one =D=D=D=D=D=D=D

Gosh. I think I'm becoming retarded even before I enlist.

Oops I hope the ISA doesn't read this.

So anyway, I've abandoned my previous blog so don't go back to it anymore k?

booyah~!