derision

Something cuts within.

It's another familiar feeling, kind of like the rejection I constantly get from girls, just that it's on a whole different deeper level.

You see, in the former case only I suffer, and after awhile I somehow move on better learned and patched up.

In the latter however, someday it just might reach a point where it not only cuts me too deep, but also the ones or one who is involved. And if it all goes bad, it may plain sever all ties.

Ready for it?

Promise me you won't turn away?

Really?

Who am I kidding... oh well =/

Basically, I can't keep secrets.

I'm an open book, if you talk to me long enough, chances are you'll probably know all there is to know about me even if I don't want you to.

Now this is not a worry for me because I guess I'm fine with sharing my heart with you.

The problem comes when it's somebody else's secret I have to keep.

Somebody else's life/reputation/cares/purposes I've been entrusted with.

I've hurt so many many many people by sharing something I shouldn't have with them about someone else that I can't even remember the number.

One thing is for sure though, it's definitely more than all my fingers and toes put together.

If you happen to be one of those people, I am so terribly sorry for displacing your trust in that spur-of-the-moment.

I live with your regret as much as you have in me, and the guilt pinches my heart each time I come to see you or am reminded of how I let you down.

If I had to count the number of secrets I've kept, it would be less than a handful.

And awfully saddening to say, it's usually after I've hurt someone that the next secret they have I keep. It's like only when the guilty facet claws at my open nature that I kick myself and clamp down my tongue.

I know it really sucks when someone betrays your trust, and I bet you understand too.

Take that and multiply it by maybe 20, and you'll see the gravity of my plight to others.

When you have to start over all again to get repoire back when half the world has mis-interpreted what somebody has accidentaly let slip...

Man it really cuts deep.

You have no idea how many times I've wanted to wind the clock back and slap my self before something came out of my mouth.

I hate that my words process faster than my thoughts.

I hate that my "sorry"s and apologies sound so meaningless and rhetoric, but I really, really do mean them.

I admit that I have my pride and 'image' of perfection as I want to be perceived to keep, and in between that half and the other half that truly treasures the friendship, I haven't always chosen the right side.

I'd like so much to say that I'm only human and fallible but clearly amount trumps reason in this case.

I am trying, slowly and painstakingly to keep what needs to be below the surface, and I must say though it's taking plenty of time, I am better off now.

But then days like today come again when a splot of blankness occurs in the recent past and I wind up wishing I had a leash on my mouth once more.

I'm sorry, I really am.

(there I go again, brings to mind the song "apologize" by One Republic.)

I'm not a cynic, and I sure don't want to be a hypocrite or a gossip monger, but I do hope for more chances to change.

I know how absurd it sounds, I mean, why should I need another chance right?

I don't even deserve anymore.

Well I guess what I'm asking for is that the level of intimacy still remains, but I understand if there are certain things you don't want me knowing from now on.

Or rather, you don't mind me knowing but not the other person, and effectively it filters down to just me.

I do however promise never to let loose one more undesirable. I could even swear to try my best never to let slip but hey, trying my best just isn't enough anymore right?

So there you have it.

Me and one of the many flaws I'm trying desperately to remove.

Guess it'll help to tell you so that I've less chances of this recurring.

Just don't isolate me alright?

I mean, I am still a social being after all too.

Yupp.

musicman

I have a problem~!!


Okay well maybe it's not exactly a problem, but for lack of a more positive way to put it.

It's the kind of thing where while you're not aware of it, it's totally fine.

But once you start realising it's there, it gets kind of buggy after awhile.

Get what I mean?

No?

Hmmmm..

Kind of like a scar which you have, when you're busy with a million other chores you totally leave it alone and it's fine.

But once you start staring at it, and staring at it, and staring at it, slowly your hands move in for one scratch.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Till nothing is left but you sadistically enjoying the pain and the sight of your fresh pink and raw skin below.

Hmmmmmmm...

Okay maybe not like that.

Well basically, I've got an absolutely uncurable addiction.

Or actually not an addiction because I'm not consciously partaking or immersing myself in any particular drug, activity or action.

Perhaps to label it a "state-of-mind" would be the most apt!

Yes, it's perfect actually, I'm such a genius xD

Okay okay, it's just simply that I have one song or another stuck in my head ALL THE TIME.

Like from my waking moment to the shower to brushing my teeth to dressing up to the car ride for work to the train ride to the office to lunch to dinner to every activity to when I walk anywhere in the world I'm walking to to meet whoever wants to meet me, I'm constantly beating my foot or tapping my finger or bobbing my head to a song. (Haha bobbing get it?)

Even if I'm not plugged in to an iPod.

It's like, I have the plug-in-to-ear-phones eternally stuck to my eardrums.

Even when I'm about to sleep and fade away for the night there'll be a song playing at the back of my mind.

TAKE NOTE: I'm not hearing things mind you, it's just that I'm forever singing to myself one song or another.

And I just can't stop!!

It's like err..

Yea an addiction! In the gripping sense of the word.

I guess it's really good in some ways, maybe it makes me uber-musical?

But I tend to sing along to whatever song is playing in my head, and sometimes I get weird stares from people in the MRT and Bus Stop haha!!

When that happens my volume suddenly cuts to a whisper, but I continue singing or humming anyway.

And I totally love singing and grooving to the music but...

When it's 24/7...

It gets kinda weird after a while.

And I've probably been doing this for years now but I've only realised it in the past few days.

Hmmmmmmmmmm....

Any one got any tips to help me?

Does this happen to any of you too?

Or perhaps, do all of you have the same tendency?

I'm terribly sorry if I've prematurely made you realise this HAHAHAHAHAHA!

At least now we're all kinda suffering together!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~~~!!!

p.s.: when you tag can you please leave your name? so weird to have four anonymous comments on my tagboard!!

p.s.2: and i know who "youdontknowme" is, your writing style is too familiar haha!! see you around, if you get what I mean ;-)

The Man At The Gate

I quarreled with my dad last night.

I hadn't raised my voice at him in a long time, and it especially didn't help that I took after him in the quick-to-be-hot-headed kind of way.

This started in the car ride home after dinner where my mom was ranting about how don't know who and who's children did what kind of finance or business degree and has don't know what job at some big bank just after graduation.

I'll begin from somewhere in the middle.


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Me: "Why can't I do what I want?"

"What do you want?"

Me: "As I've said, something in the service industry!"

"What exactly in the service industry?"

Me: "What I've been considering all along, hospitality management or something like that!"

"Accountancy and business also requires alot of social services to others right? Why must you go and do something in which the working hours are so irratic that you'll possibly compromise your family and your friends?"

Me: "But in accountancy or finance got to work like a dog for 10-15 years before I become something with lousy pay!"

"Not like it won't be the same in hotel management?"

Me: "AT LEAST I'M DOING WHAT I WANT?!"


***At this point we're already home, and as we walk toward the house we try as best to avoid each other. He's pissed. I'm upset.


"Don't understand why you want to do this kind of thing you know! Never listen to me!"

***My dad has been explaining to me the hardships of working for a long time, he himself knowing how people who put in the same effort can be paid so differently. He's the type that tries to reason me into doing things. And that's a good thing actually.

Me: "My teachers tell me one thing, you tell me the something else!"

"WHAT do your teachers say?"

Me: "That I should do what I want not what my parents want!!!!!!!!!!"

Silence for a moment.

"AIYA then you go and do your social science or whatever in the NUS or SMU faculty of Arts and Social Science la, NO WAY I'm funding you round the world for some lousy and unsteady degree!!!!"

Slams his room door.

"He's bloody naiive!" I hear him shout to my mother from their room.

I sigh.

It sucked so much at that point, heart and mind so conflicted.

"God why does this have to happen!? I hate this so much!"

I turn on my computer and see my brother online, and I began pouring out what just happened to him.

If there's one guy in the world who can reason better than my dad or sis, my sis being a lawyer mind you, and I've said this before, it's my brother.

There's never going to be enough admiration and love I can have for him. He always has the right words and meaning to make me think clearly for myself. And he isn't on my side most the time.

Well I'm not going to add another long conversation and will cut a long story short.

I'll just quote the part that struck me the most.

Paul: "Do you know how hard daddy and mommy had to work so that we could live as comfortably as we did?

I'm living by myself here in australia and I have to pay water, gas, electricity, power and food bills and it's really very very expensive.

We're really blessed and daddy is just speaking from a point of experience.

Don't you want to have a steady profession that will enable your family to grow up like we did?"

The last line really made me ponder super a lot.

"enable your family to grow up like we did?"

And in my conclusion, I decided that I really do want my kids and my wife to have a comfortable life, possible one better that I grew up with.


....................................................................


This morning as my dad drove me to work we both apologised to each other and I began to see things from his side more too. And we had a good long chat about working life.

Well mainly from his side.


....................................................................


This is growing up.

Adult hood isn't "going to be" anymore, it's here already.

Guess I wasn't prepared enough for it and still am in the i'm-still-a-kid-everythings-going-to-be-alright kind of mood.

We'll I hope everything will still be alright for me, but from here out I'm on a limb; it's my decisions now that will decide my future.

My decisions.

It feels totally new having to plan for what's ahead.

I wish someone had told me earlier it was going to be so hard.

But I was just looking through the ACJC Annual the other day in the office, an even though I've read it and heard it so many times, it always means so much more the next time I read it.


THE MAN AT THE GATE

I said to the man
Who stood at the gate of the year,
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied,
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you
Better than the light
And safer than a known way!”

So I went forth
And finding the hand of God
Trod gladly into the light.

I just realised that I've never seen the last part of the saying before!!!!!!!

The Annual never printed it, its only on the internet!

Guess it's cos it's the part I'm supposed to figure myself only when I have done the prior.
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Dear God, give me the faith to place my path into Your hands.

I await the light.

catch me, please

He looks at what blankly stares him back in the face.

He knows this feeling.

It's rare, but one that is unforgettable.

He was preparing, he really was.

Yet somehow it always wasn't the same.

All at once a rush of emotions hits him.

He doesn't know what to feel.

He wanted so much to feel one of the two ideal ways.

Now he just corroded on the inside.

His mind goes blank.
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He dials his phone.

"Pa, yeah I found out already. I got..."

"Oh I see...."

He tries to reason to both how maybe it ain't all bad.

"Don't worry it's okay, we'll work something out"

"Yea... I'm really sorry pa, I really tried my best you know..."

His voice is shaking; breaking.

He's on the verge, but as he's in the middle of the green he can't do it yet.

"Don't worry it's fine, we know you did all you could."

His chest tightens for the slightest of moments.
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He strums his guitar in the way he usually would.

But behind each strum focus was lost.

He couldn't worship.

It was all too noisy, frantic, passionate, quiet and reverent at once.

The self-terms lie there just out of reach of his tongue.

Hypocrite.

Liar.

Broken promises.
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He watches as they go on to stage.

He already knows, yet though it was supposed to be better it also made him depraved.

Smiles all round.

Pain inside.

Avoidance of others.

Just like his usual angry self.

Devastation.

Consolation comes in waves.

What useless nonsense, it didnt help him change anything.
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He knew he had to, he knew he had to be ministered to.

Dinner could wait.

Finally in the third session of the day, he didn't have to play for nor lead others.

He stood there in the midst and judged.

Trying desperately to worship but his mind couldnt help but pinpoint every hitch.

He needed to stop.

He wanted to stop.

He needed to be still.

He sat down.

He knelt.
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All the songs he so wanted to sing got played.

He shook uncontrollably; tears streaking down his face; head buried in his hands; knees imprinting the floor.

The feelings he had missed so much, the spiritual touch just consumed him from the inside.

He shook uncontrollably; tears streaking down his face; head buried in his hands; knees imprinting the floor.

He wished so hard that someone would pray for him there and then.

That someone would kneel along with him.

David, his cf president who knelt beside him put his arm around immediately and started to pray.

The shaking heightened; the tears just couldn't stop.

The comfort God brings.

It's never coincidental.

The words people pray.

God spoken.
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A new song began.

The lyrics began to minister.

The hypocracy of his mind broke him even more.

Whathe had promised to God, finally came to three hours after.

His chest was so tight, he had to gasp for breath intermittently in between wiping the tears and mucus away.

"I'm.. so so sorry..."

The sorrow and grief within began to lift.

He couldnt explain the peace.

He felt the comfort.

He felt the forgiveness.

He felt the stillness.

He felt the grace.

Oh yes, the amazing grace.

He stood up. And remained still for a long period.

A smile slowly curved. One that hadn't been so for many an hour.

A real smile.
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Thank you.

And thank You.

Max Lucado - God's Gifts

Have you ever wondered why God gives so much? We could exist on far less.

He could have left the world flat and grey; we wouldn't have know the difference.

But He didn't.

He splashed orange in the sunrise,

and cast the sky in blue.




And if you love to see geese as they gather, chances are you'll see that too.

Did He have to make the squirrels tail furry?

Was He obliged to make the birds sing?

And the funny way that chickens scurry,

Or the majesty of thunder when it rings?

Why give a flower fragrance?

Why give food its taste?

Could it be He loves to see that look upon your face?




If we give gifts to show our love, how much more would He?



If we - speckled with foibles and greed - love to give gifts, how much more does God, pure and perfect God, enjoy giving gifts to us?