catch me, please

He looks at what blankly stares him back in the face.

He knows this feeling.

It's rare, but one that is unforgettable.

He was preparing, he really was.

Yet somehow it always wasn't the same.

All at once a rush of emotions hits him.

He doesn't know what to feel.

He wanted so much to feel one of the two ideal ways.

Now he just corroded on the inside.

His mind goes blank.
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He dials his phone.

"Pa, yeah I found out already. I got..."

"Oh I see...."

He tries to reason to both how maybe it ain't all bad.

"Don't worry it's okay, we'll work something out"

"Yea... I'm really sorry pa, I really tried my best you know..."

His voice is shaking; breaking.

He's on the verge, but as he's in the middle of the green he can't do it yet.

"Don't worry it's fine, we know you did all you could."

His chest tightens for the slightest of moments.
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He strums his guitar in the way he usually would.

But behind each strum focus was lost.

He couldn't worship.

It was all too noisy, frantic, passionate, quiet and reverent at once.

The self-terms lie there just out of reach of his tongue.

Hypocrite.

Liar.

Broken promises.
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He watches as they go on to stage.

He already knows, yet though it was supposed to be better it also made him depraved.

Smiles all round.

Pain inside.

Avoidance of others.

Just like his usual angry self.

Devastation.

Consolation comes in waves.

What useless nonsense, it didnt help him change anything.
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He knew he had to, he knew he had to be ministered to.

Dinner could wait.

Finally in the third session of the day, he didn't have to play for nor lead others.

He stood there in the midst and judged.

Trying desperately to worship but his mind couldnt help but pinpoint every hitch.

He needed to stop.

He wanted to stop.

He needed to be still.

He sat down.

He knelt.
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All the songs he so wanted to sing got played.

He shook uncontrollably; tears streaking down his face; head buried in his hands; knees imprinting the floor.

The feelings he had missed so much, the spiritual touch just consumed him from the inside.

He shook uncontrollably; tears streaking down his face; head buried in his hands; knees imprinting the floor.

He wished so hard that someone would pray for him there and then.

That someone would kneel along with him.

David, his cf president who knelt beside him put his arm around immediately and started to pray.

The shaking heightened; the tears just couldn't stop.

The comfort God brings.

It's never coincidental.

The words people pray.

God spoken.
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A new song began.

The lyrics began to minister.

The hypocracy of his mind broke him even more.

Whathe had promised to God, finally came to three hours after.

His chest was so tight, he had to gasp for breath intermittently in between wiping the tears and mucus away.

"I'm.. so so sorry..."

The sorrow and grief within began to lift.

He couldnt explain the peace.

He felt the comfort.

He felt the forgiveness.

He felt the stillness.

He felt the grace.

Oh yes, the amazing grace.

He stood up. And remained still for a long period.

A smile slowly curved. One that hadn't been so for many an hour.

A real smile.
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Thank you.

And thank You.