Level Up

5 years.

That's all my leader challenged me.

Will I still be a christian in 5 years time?

Will I still be as on fire for Jesus as I am now?

It seemed so easy, at the start of this year after the end year camp-hype to blurt out "Yes I will~!!!" like it was the stupidest question on earth.

But then the year progressed, and I began to understand the complexity; the reality behind that question.

And I haven't even entered army.

It was so systematic, so these-are-the-steps to follow all throughout my school life to being a "good" christian, and I guess back then in my still maturing walk with Christ it was alright.

But now everything is gone. Or almost.

Devotions every single morning.

Chapel every week.

Worship at the bleachers bi-weekly.

Choir teachers constantly reinforcing who the center of all our music-making and efforts is, and commiting everything to Him.

Friends to discuss about staying strong during my breaks.

At night, the routine quiet time with God.

And all this in my hecting like crazy schedule while studying for the A Levels and somehow I managed to pull it off.

Now, but a trace of what was once the core of my being.

Being out of school definitely opened my eyes to the truth of my fervour.

When all the bustling activities finally cleared out of my schedule; when I began to have all the time in the world to spend with God, somehow it just didn't happen.

I went through January and most of February falling further and further away than I've ever been. All the spiritual spoon-feeding which I used to take for granted; I miss so terribly.

Quiet time became so hard to do. I just didn't seem to have the energy to open my bible even though I spent the whole day practically doing nothing.

And with that my songwriting, the very talent that crystalizes my spiritual walk, from the extreme highs to the desperate lows, began to ebb away too.

My plans to record an album vanished and many of my songs still lie half-done.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING"

You don't know how many times I've asked myself that question lately.

And as I fell into sin after sin I began to think it was alright. That you know, God would forgive me and whatever. That it wasn't so wrong.

That maybe I should be out there with the rest of the world enjoying life for, hey, since it's part of God's creation too why not?

And slowly but surely, my life began to crumble.

"hypocrite" wouldn't be barely enough to define me, even though I didn't actually do many things wrong.

My peaceful sleep that I used to have all throughout JC became restless nights and each day seemed just like the day before and the next day; purposeless.

Purposeless.

Lukewarm.

Those are the things I hate the most. Being totally devoid of conviction or emotion is the worst outcome possible.

And the guilt and shame eventually built up so much I brokedown and just took out my guitar and started to try and worship God again like I used to.

And the songs just came and came as I poured out myself to God and eventually I began writing a completely new song which I will share with you in a different post.

But now I understand the sheer reality of the statement "following Jesus is a choice".

And I'm beginning to see ever more slowly but surely, and mind you this is very very hard for me to do even though it seems so freaking easy to say, that it's about following Jesus "everyday"

Not once a week.

Not when I feel like it.

But always.

And don't you dare "Amen" to that unless you know how freaking hard it is too.

Let me change the orthodox question.

It's not: You sure you going to follow Jesus when you have a million other things to do?

But: You sure you going to follow Jesus when you have nothing else to do?

Seems that I put it wrong?

No I didn't, read it again.
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Still seems wrong?

Alright you tell me how easy it was for you when you had all the time in the world to seek God and you did and I'll shout a big "HALLELUJAH" for you.

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Today as I was walking to the mrt from work and listening to "Peace Be Still" by Rush of Fools on my ipod, God suddenly spoke to me.

It just seemed so clear all at once what I had to do; what I have to do.


"You want to level up? You want to move to the next phase of intimacy with Me?"


Now that's the question burning in my mind for quite a long time, though I never quite dared to ask it.

And now as a bonus of bonuses, I was getting the answer.


"You want to move on to the next level? Break those strongholds. Break them."


And these simple words, though repeated umpteen times by my pastors, suddenly cut to my heart.
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The next phase of my christian journey starts now.

5 years?

It's going to be one heck of a battle.

Hope you'll be not on my side, because there are times when I will falter, but that you're there on Jesus's side to pull me back.

5 years.

C'mon.

Time to level up.

and all this is for You

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want you to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will share eternity with You

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame

It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to Your ways

The In Between

I'm back here again
I'm sitting on the fence
I'm trying to reach what's in front of me, what I want
Problem is, I think, once again
I'm grasping for what I cannot have
What doesn't want me back

Some call it paranoia
Others, a lack of courage of thereoff
For me, a mountain of fear
Or practicality as I'd like to lie to myself

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm supposed to do something;
Maybe I'm right, and I'm going to end up shamed once more
Interpretations are always so hard on this side
It blows to be the one having to 'do something'

I hate my assumptions;
They're always so wrong or too right
It cripples me the most, my barrage of thoughts
Yet it also is the only thing preserving my dignity or what little of it I possess

I wish I had time; I really don't
I wish I could figure things out; yet I never will
I wish I had more signs; and yet it makes it unfair
I wish it were easier, that for once I can grasp the one I want

Should I be halting, are my assumptions right afterall?
Should I stop and let another one pass; let you pass
Should I be taking a step forward
Or in so doing will I find myself two steps back

Something pops, making me wonder if this will make a difference
I hope it does, yet who am I kidding
But I just have to ask,
Is it me you're referring to?
If not, spare me my struggles and for once
Please, let me be the one to pass instead

Goodnight

Irony

Gosh.

I feel so stupid right now.

Dear Lord, why doeth Thou constantly slap me in the face and play with my heartstrings? Do thoust not knoweth that I am but a fragile being merely trying to be someone who waiteth on thee?

It's like everything right yet so wrong at the same time. Jingwei Vs Seth.

One desperately kicking me to look up. The other desperately kicking me to move my sorry behind.

Dear Lord, I see the plan so clearly, yet I do not see it at all.

"they shall be seeing but not perceiving..."

Defines me totally.

Okay let me start telling my story now.

Basically, this valentine was no different from any other.

Okay actually it was different, but in a worse way.

I SPENT VALENTINES NIGHT ALL ALONE THIS YEAR

Sorry I'm not that devastated actually, I just felt like making it bold for fun =)

Yes so I spent it all alone, not with my entire class like last year, not even with my parents or my bro cos they were all out!!

So sad right?

I had it all planned out. Every single thing I was going to do for the girl.

Yet when it came to the crux, be it a matter of unlucky timing or otherwise, I couldn't make it happen.

With the next day came another chance, but what Jingwei said got to me and I realised that I probably should wait because it's just...

AHHH I feel so stupid after reading =(

So anyway, that night after work I ta paoed food from Chomp Chomp and sat at home and ate by myself.

And now that I think about it, as I walked home from the hawker centre and just gazed up at the cool night sky with the wind blowing in my face and the stars dimly twinkling, I couldnt help but ponder to myself:

It's valentines day.

It's the day of love, or "irrational love for irrational reasons" as one of my friends put it so aptly.

But seriously, do we show that love on that special day to the one who cares for us the most?

Did we spend any time at all with God in the midst of all the flurry of the day, just to say "Dear God, I love you!"??

Do we have an irrational love back for Him who firsts irrationally loves us?

I want to have that love. I've always talked and thought about being totally foolish for Him, not caring what the world will think.

I guess I was wrong after all.

I wasn't alone on Valentines Day.

In fact, I spent it with the most awesome person ever.

Guess maturing really helps me keep a tight rein on my heartstrings.

Sorry to anyone who assumed I was happy frolicking with someone on valentines day! I didn't mean to fool you cos when I posted it I actually meant it back then.

Sorry to anonymous for bluffing you too, next time we go chill somewhere cool k?

Dear Lord, guess You were right after all.

P.S.: Thanks for the lovely job, it doesn't get much better than this and the vday mistake seems more like a blessing =)Love You Lord.

Growing Up

What a terribly accelerated society we live in.

People rushing everywhere, complaining about everything, hating others for the sheer fact that they made us wait a little longer than we expected when they are just doing their job etcetc.

And it doesnt help that we are youths; that I am a young testosterone-filled punk.

I go overseas and am blown away completely as I see how life is supposed to be lived, at least in the 'taking time to enjoy it' sense of the word.

People in America, Europe, UK, Japan and even Malaysia are much less hurried and easily agitated than we are. We like to rush everything, show all signs of displeasure as if it is the end of the world if we don't get our takeaway on time or kena a traffic light, and scream and complain and complain and complain...

No wonder we have to come up with acronyms such as 'kiasu', 'kiasee' and kia-justabouteverythingwecanbeputinto to barely define what Singaporeans are like.

Then the snowball begins.

One such minute happening at any point of the day triggers our spiral into fury and contempt for life; one exaggerated molehill and our whole day is ruined, and the point of bliss is shattered by a random statement by anyone or anything you can think of a reason to hate.

I am guilty of such.

Maybe it's the mindset of the environment we grew up in, maybe its the constant heat, maybe its the testosterone bursting bodies we live in that seem to carry on into adulthood that has forged such a unique albeit undesirable society.

But can we really excuse ourselves of our flaws?

There are an infinite amount of reasons to explain our lack of patience away, but at the end of the day, do we even have it in the first place?

Patience: the ability to wait calmly for a long time and not be made angry by delay.

Did you just read that?

It's an ability.

Yes, at some point it entails an innate subsistence, but more importantly, it requires practice. It ain't going to come naturally 24/7.

Fused with the efforts of everyone to try and be patient, just imagine what a better place we would live in? And how much better we'd feel?

We won't be upset at every negligible action.

We won't be feeling like crap every moment of the day.

We'd in fact have a light and cheery feeling that we'd never thought possible before.

How do I know all this??

Simply because I have been trying recently very hard to be patient.

Very very hard mind you.

Millions of times I just wanted to burst out screaming and cursing about one setback or another, but I immediately think:

"Will feeling this way change anything? Will being upset help me?"

Every single time my response has been:

"Guess not, let me just take a step back and enjoy the sights instead."

Immediately, I can feel the peace in my heart.

Immediately.

No wonder patient people are always the most jovial. They know how to enjoy life and pretty well at that.

Patient people aren't weird, they are just like you and me, but with a decision to keep their heads and their emotions firmly in place.

I challenge you practice patience just five times today, when you are the most frustrated.

Take a step back just five times and suck it up. And you come back and tell me the difference you feel.

If you don't feel any difference, either you're not doing it right and still are holding something back, or I will personally apologise to you for my writing of this post and give you a hongbao, I promise.

5 times, see how much better you immediately feel.

Not too much to ask?

Remember, patience is an ability ;-)