Level Up

5 years.

That's all my leader challenged me.

Will I still be a christian in 5 years time?

Will I still be as on fire for Jesus as I am now?

It seemed so easy, at the start of this year after the end year camp-hype to blurt out "Yes I will~!!!" like it was the stupidest question on earth.

But then the year progressed, and I began to understand the complexity; the reality behind that question.

And I haven't even entered army.

It was so systematic, so these-are-the-steps to follow all throughout my school life to being a "good" christian, and I guess back then in my still maturing walk with Christ it was alright.

But now everything is gone. Or almost.

Devotions every single morning.

Chapel every week.

Worship at the bleachers bi-weekly.

Choir teachers constantly reinforcing who the center of all our music-making and efforts is, and commiting everything to Him.

Friends to discuss about staying strong during my breaks.

At night, the routine quiet time with God.

And all this in my hecting like crazy schedule while studying for the A Levels and somehow I managed to pull it off.

Now, but a trace of what was once the core of my being.

Being out of school definitely opened my eyes to the truth of my fervour.

When all the bustling activities finally cleared out of my schedule; when I began to have all the time in the world to spend with God, somehow it just didn't happen.

I went through January and most of February falling further and further away than I've ever been. All the spiritual spoon-feeding which I used to take for granted; I miss so terribly.

Quiet time became so hard to do. I just didn't seem to have the energy to open my bible even though I spent the whole day practically doing nothing.

And with that my songwriting, the very talent that crystalizes my spiritual walk, from the extreme highs to the desperate lows, began to ebb away too.

My plans to record an album vanished and many of my songs still lie half-done.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING"

You don't know how many times I've asked myself that question lately.

And as I fell into sin after sin I began to think it was alright. That you know, God would forgive me and whatever. That it wasn't so wrong.

That maybe I should be out there with the rest of the world enjoying life for, hey, since it's part of God's creation too why not?

And slowly but surely, my life began to crumble.

"hypocrite" wouldn't be barely enough to define me, even though I didn't actually do many things wrong.

My peaceful sleep that I used to have all throughout JC became restless nights and each day seemed just like the day before and the next day; purposeless.

Purposeless.

Lukewarm.

Those are the things I hate the most. Being totally devoid of conviction or emotion is the worst outcome possible.

And the guilt and shame eventually built up so much I brokedown and just took out my guitar and started to try and worship God again like I used to.

And the songs just came and came as I poured out myself to God and eventually I began writing a completely new song which I will share with you in a different post.

But now I understand the sheer reality of the statement "following Jesus is a choice".

And I'm beginning to see ever more slowly but surely, and mind you this is very very hard for me to do even though it seems so freaking easy to say, that it's about following Jesus "everyday"

Not once a week.

Not when I feel like it.

But always.

And don't you dare "Amen" to that unless you know how freaking hard it is too.

Let me change the orthodox question.

It's not: You sure you going to follow Jesus when you have a million other things to do?

But: You sure you going to follow Jesus when you have nothing else to do?

Seems that I put it wrong?

No I didn't, read it again.
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Still seems wrong?

Alright you tell me how easy it was for you when you had all the time in the world to seek God and you did and I'll shout a big "HALLELUJAH" for you.

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Today as I was walking to the mrt from work and listening to "Peace Be Still" by Rush of Fools on my ipod, God suddenly spoke to me.

It just seemed so clear all at once what I had to do; what I have to do.


"You want to level up? You want to move to the next phase of intimacy with Me?"


Now that's the question burning in my mind for quite a long time, though I never quite dared to ask it.

And now as a bonus of bonuses, I was getting the answer.


"You want to move on to the next level? Break those strongholds. Break them."


And these simple words, though repeated umpteen times by my pastors, suddenly cut to my heart.
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The next phase of my christian journey starts now.

5 years?

It's going to be one heck of a battle.

Hope you'll be not on my side, because there are times when I will falter, but that you're there on Jesus's side to pull me back.

5 years.

C'mon.

Time to level up.