derision

Something cuts within.

It's another familiar feeling, kind of like the rejection I constantly get from girls, just that it's on a whole different deeper level.

You see, in the former case only I suffer, and after awhile I somehow move on better learned and patched up.

In the latter however, someday it just might reach a point where it not only cuts me too deep, but also the ones or one who is involved. And if it all goes bad, it may plain sever all ties.

Ready for it?

Promise me you won't turn away?

Really?

Who am I kidding... oh well =/

Basically, I can't keep secrets.

I'm an open book, if you talk to me long enough, chances are you'll probably know all there is to know about me even if I don't want you to.

Now this is not a worry for me because I guess I'm fine with sharing my heart with you.

The problem comes when it's somebody else's secret I have to keep.

Somebody else's life/reputation/cares/purposes I've been entrusted with.

I've hurt so many many many people by sharing something I shouldn't have with them about someone else that I can't even remember the number.

One thing is for sure though, it's definitely more than all my fingers and toes put together.

If you happen to be one of those people, I am so terribly sorry for displacing your trust in that spur-of-the-moment.

I live with your regret as much as you have in me, and the guilt pinches my heart each time I come to see you or am reminded of how I let you down.

If I had to count the number of secrets I've kept, it would be less than a handful.

And awfully saddening to say, it's usually after I've hurt someone that the next secret they have I keep. It's like only when the guilty facet claws at my open nature that I kick myself and clamp down my tongue.

I know it really sucks when someone betrays your trust, and I bet you understand too.

Take that and multiply it by maybe 20, and you'll see the gravity of my plight to others.

When you have to start over all again to get repoire back when half the world has mis-interpreted what somebody has accidentaly let slip...

Man it really cuts deep.

You have no idea how many times I've wanted to wind the clock back and slap my self before something came out of my mouth.

I hate that my words process faster than my thoughts.

I hate that my "sorry"s and apologies sound so meaningless and rhetoric, but I really, really do mean them.

I admit that I have my pride and 'image' of perfection as I want to be perceived to keep, and in between that half and the other half that truly treasures the friendship, I haven't always chosen the right side.

I'd like so much to say that I'm only human and fallible but clearly amount trumps reason in this case.

I am trying, slowly and painstakingly to keep what needs to be below the surface, and I must say though it's taking plenty of time, I am better off now.

But then days like today come again when a splot of blankness occurs in the recent past and I wind up wishing I had a leash on my mouth once more.

I'm sorry, I really am.

(there I go again, brings to mind the song "apologize" by One Republic.)

I'm not a cynic, and I sure don't want to be a hypocrite or a gossip monger, but I do hope for more chances to change.

I know how absurd it sounds, I mean, why should I need another chance right?

I don't even deserve anymore.

Well I guess what I'm asking for is that the level of intimacy still remains, but I understand if there are certain things you don't want me knowing from now on.

Or rather, you don't mind me knowing but not the other person, and effectively it filters down to just me.

I do however promise never to let loose one more undesirable. I could even swear to try my best never to let slip but hey, trying my best just isn't enough anymore right?

So there you have it.

Me and one of the many flaws I'm trying desperately to remove.

Guess it'll help to tell you so that I've less chances of this recurring.

Just don't isolate me alright?

I mean, I am still a social being after all too.

Yupp.