heart to heart

so this is christmas
and what have you done?

another year over
a new one's just begun

I guess it's that time of the year once again.

That time when everything is at its best; emotions are high and wild, the last thing on your mind is studies, the season is so jolly and fun, and everyone is in a good mood (assuming you've finished giving your presents away).

Its kinda funny how you feel when you get older.

Infatuations seem alot easier to control now. Or maybe not.

Somehow I can keep certain things in check, though I do have the odd impulse every now and then, and it feels as if I've got a lil more control at hand.

Conversely, it also feels as if I'm losing it. The touch - if you get what I mean.

No?

Will 'game' explain things better?

Not to say that's what I treat it as, but generally I have to settle for that right now.

I'm really tired so if I do blurt out certain things that raise your eyebrow just accept it as so.

One of my friends was saying how this is his first christmas without any girl to be with whatsoever since Sec 1. Considering he's my age, that's his first time in 6 years.

For me, it didn't seem so hard to comprehend his misery because I've never been with a girl, so I don't really know what it's like, so I don't think it's a big deal.

But as I ponder further, somewhere in the reluctant crevices of my mind I know it's me fighting against myself. It's not cause I didn't want a girl that's why I happily spent christmas myself. (At least I hope I was happy).

I did want someone to be with. I did want someone to share with and be in 'love', so to speak, with. And this happened every year except last year.

My problem was, is rather, that I don't know how to do things right. I learn from mistakes and I have made so many many painful ones in the past:

Rushing into things I didn't know better about; assuming certain things when in actual fact the opposite was true; obsessing myself with what always seemed out of reach etcetc.

Simply speaking, the girl I liked always liked someone else or had no feelings for me.

I slowly began to work my way through things and realised it required alot of communication before anything could happen, this is the general rule of friendship, not even relationships, just friendships.

But I had always done it wrong in the past. And in JC I still made that same stupid mistake.

The only time I got really closed to being attached was early december last year, and that one I didn't purposely plan for but it just happened to happen, but in a different way from what I had imagined. (Right methodology wise, not partner wise)

Yet another close friend of mine managed to bring me to my senses, how I still had too many commitments in school CCAs, and of course, the A Levels among other things.

And as time passes relationships and feelings faded because I realised my other very great weakness, I didn't know how to pull away properly.

That really hurt that someone. I know it did. And I just couldn't bring myself to settle nor make things right again. What another great mistake.

Well I guess time heals, but the guilt still remains very much with me, and an apology of sorts, though weird, is necessary somehow I guess.

But backtracking from this anomaly, it always worked out the same somehow.

I've always gotten rejected.

Now this, in accordance with all my thinking, which I just happen to do alot though unfortunately non-academically, spiralled things to the point where it crippled (sort of) my mentality.

Because I always did things wrong in the past, though now it's been more than a year since I've tried anything, it hinders me greatly all the time.

I tell my close friends, when they do ask me why I never do anything, which happens to happen quite frequently... , that I'm shy.

Without fail, they always burst out laughing.

I bet you did too.

I guess because I appear as such to you it should be the same for every aspect of my life. I seem to have it all, or most of it (as I like to think and have been told, assuming I wasn't taken sarcastically) that is admirable and desirable?

Wrong. Total opposite when it gets to this.

But shy just might not be the right word. I'm scared.

Well yeah everybody is scared to some extent.

Fine, I'm really scared. I'm scared of history repeating itself once more, once more after it had repeated itself so many times.

I've learnt well from my arrogance and pride which made me get humbled tremendously, and now the lack thereof of it is making me not do anything.

Maybe that's good, maybe that isn't.

Anyway I'm scared, and that prevents me from doing anything. I just can't talk to the girl I like properly without having to pysche myself up like mad. Even normal conversations are hard and eye contact is a huge giveaway for me.

What if she doesn't want me? What if she has other pursuits? What if our paths are to disparate? What if I hinder her from experiencing so much more? What if, what if, what if...

I guess the list of my negations in my mind never ends does it?

Sigh.

The only reason I've shared all this is cause I'm kinda really tired, so you don't have to worry about such posts again if it really bores you.

I want to go and sleep so I'll say it now.

I like you.

The chances of you reading this are pretty darn slim, nor you even realising you're the one cos of time factors and cos I haven't even made and clear intentions at all.

It doesn't really matter or not if you see this, but for me, I just want to be over all this.

Maybe I'll get what happened in the past again, maybe it'll be worse, maybe it'll be better.

But I do hope I do things right this time, assuming I can bring myself to do something more.

My words and actions always seem to come out wrong, to close friends especially, so just rhetorically speaking, I'm sorry.

Have fun where you're going.

Oh and, merry christmas =)