Life, the Universe and Everything

Halfway through BMT, seems a miracle I've made it thus far, albeit I'm nowhere near done.

Army is tough I won't kid ya. They push you to break you, and with heat rash all over your body and your uniform soaked with mud, sweat, blood and everything in between, plus the hundreds of push-ups and other shaggadalic exercises, you see the worst out of everybody.

You see the selfish, the depressed, the good for nothings, the idiots, the people who always screw everything up and slowly begin to sift out who you really don't want to go to war with.

It's amazing how field camp reveals the true colours of everyone; the atrocity of selfishness is oh-so freaking obvious.

Other than that, the constant muscle strain and fatigue, and the constant thumping of your heart against the walls of your chest through your vest which catapaults right through your neck to your head.

Your breathing constantly heavy beneath the helmet of heat-concentration, and your toes scrubbed hard by boots worn and torn through running everywhere. Knees bloodied and bruised from kneeling on rocks and twigs on the ground for long long periods and your mind constantly playing tricks on you. Lactic acid; what a wonderful knee killer.

Yet somehow through all this, through the firey pain when your shoulder blades rub against each other with heat rash; through the panting and puffing moments where you feel like all hope is lost and through the limit breaking digging of your own grave there comes a time where I feel lifted out of all the shit.

Somehow a glance at the night sky in the midst of all the strife gives me a sense of serenity, with the stars set firmly in place and the moon shining down of me early and late in the day, a peace envelopes me and pushes me on.

Tranquil moments are not that hard to find if only you start looking, which most people don't.

New discoveries are also made about oneself, a gauge of how much of a true friend you really are.

Yet I find myself constantly conflicted with who I truly am.

You may know me as a talkative and cheerful and maybe even funny person, the kind you'd like to have around to liven up the place.

But I find myself ever more and more pensive in the army.

Emo may be the word, but to me it's just personal reflections and thoughts.

Sometimes the thought could be just a song or something stupid, but most times it's about me against myself in this place where you first have to stand up for yourself before you can help anybody else.

And I really enjoy those moments.

Is this the real me, behind all the joviality and spontaneity?

Am I going back to who I truly was before secondary school? To my true self?

I hated the old me back then, when I was quiet and nobody noticed me, and I was but a shadow of my older brother whom the world world seemed to love.

And I tried so hard to change myself, observing what exactly people did that made them the star or the centre of attraction, and via mix and match trying became myself somewhat near that status.

Maybe the years have inbuilt it into me such that I've changed totally to really become someone of charisma. Maybe I've observed and honed myself so well I can adapt to anyone in any situation, or most. Maybe I am that person now.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I'm just one who loves to spend time by myself and prefer not to waste my breath.

But then I don't know, I seem to talk the right things at the right times when people need some conversations going. But in moments where everyone is communicating I somehow sit back and just tune out.

My wish is always to go to a big city and live the fullest of fast lives. Yet my heart aches for precious moments under the stars in the middle of a field where peace overwhelmes everything, as I've enjoyed in army.

Where its just the stars, the ground and someone beside me.

Where I can slowly ponder the heavens and the earth, and all of creation in between which contours differently at night, and take my time to observe everything that catches my eye.

I have a wonderful gift of observation. I just need to know when to apply it to myself.

Cos right now, I have no idea who I am supposed to be or how I should be like.

Am I the voice, or am I the ear?

Hmmm.

I do hope I find the answer someday.

Till then, it's back to regimentation.