Dear Lord,
I'm at the period in my life right now where I'm not sure what the heck is going on. Each day I'm rushing all over the place, shouting at people to get things done and accidentally making an enemy or two, being punished, and doing things that are quite cool but otherwise totally irrelevant for me for the rest of my life. I quite don't understand what purpose You have for making me go through everything each day.
Each day seems harder than the daybefore, and each day brings about more questions as to how You might be speaking/ministering to me. Sure I feel You, but in a totally different way than I had hoped to. Everything needs to be placed into context, it ain't plain simple like before. Strength and Joy now seem to be what I need, no longer a want anymore, for despair is aplenty everywhere. I don't have time to seek You out, I don't havetime to read Your word, I don't even have time to ponder about where You fit in cos I'm just processing too many things all at once.
Dear Lord,
I'm lonely. In the physical and emotional sense. For once, I realise that there just isn't any girl I like, or that I fancy who has the traits that I'm looking for. It's kind of sudden and confusing, cos there always was someone I'm after or took to, but now there's totally no one, and it doesn't help that I'm surrounded by guys 24/7 who all have girlfriends to talk about. And I also have no time nor opportunities to go about to find someone, which conversely is not such a bad thing I guess.
But back to the crux, I have no one. It's been... practically never since puberty kicked in that I've felt this way. I don't really know how to describe it. Of all my checkpoints right now, none that I've come across or still in contact with interest me very much. Or at all.
Where is she, Lord? She, who aside from looking great, shares in the same fervour I have for You, which I admit is not very much right now sorry, but still, who knows that Your will is more important than what she might want. She, who concurrently isn't immature or stuck up in some fairy tale that everything is going fine and dandy like some small kid. She, who is someone that I really can connect with. She, who loves You and wants to serve You so so much too.
Or perhaps You've already revealed her to me Lord. It's so weird when I put the dots down, they always seem to be in the most unlikely of places but yet they all connect! Somehow when one door closed, and it seemed most unlikely that I'dever get to get close to her again, another door opens. And this happened 4 times.
But its kind of hard right now. I haven't communicated with her in quite along time and the timing doesn't seem quite right. I never made any intentions when I had the chance and perhaps she might already belong to someone else?
BUT, but, if she really is the one, guess when the time comes and I finally get more freedom, she'll still be there won't she? And if it were to happen again, that this now seemingly closed door opens, would that mean that I've struck gold?
I sure hope so, but until then, the waiting part is hard. Especially if it turns out that this time the door remains forever closed. Then I'll have to wait even longer till university and pray you have enough grace not to let me find her after university. I think I might not be able to take it.
Still Lord, Your will above all else.
Dear Lord,
The next 9 months are going to be so much harder than ever before. Getting through each day is a triumph in itself and it seems so easy to give up. But I trust that if you've brought me here, Your faithfulness will see me through.
Dear Lord,
My heart aches and despairs everytime I hear someone getting a good university offer or acceptance. I feel so stupid. I feel as if I've let everybody, especially myself down. If only I had studied harder... If only I'd not given into temptation..... then I wouldn't be feeling this shitty feeling now. I feel like such a loser. I'm not even 2nd best. Or 3rd.
I don't know the plans You have for me. It's super unclear now what's going on. I have no idea where I can go or what I can do, and all the studying I want to do for the SATs seems impossible given my current situation.
Dear Lord,
Please open the door for me to study, to get to a good university. I want this so much more badly than any girl or any material thing. I need this. Please.
I know I wasted 3 chances before, but I've been lower than anyone else, and I've felt what hurts the most, and I never wanna let it ever happen again. Please put me in someplace where I can serve You well, and study, and yet still fulfil my calling to the nation.
Dear Lord,
I know all of the above sounds so selfish. The whole time I've been talking about me and about what I want/need. I'm truly a selfish bastard. Compared to others, I have no care or concern and it seems my heart is so hardened.
Dear Lord,
I'm despicable. How amazing that You should still care for someone as wretched and as hypocritical as me.
That's why You alone are Great, and Your grace is enough for me.
Dear Lord,
I trust in Your perfect plan. Amen.
p.s. I love You
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